Years ago we were snuggled in an Indiana living room with a collection of Andrew's childhood friends and their spouses, nursing what red wine we had left and weaving together parenthood, careers, their shared memories and the integration of us who had joined the story in adulthood.
Andrew was explaining his latest two weeks' notice when Shelly profoundly summarized, "Someone has to be the bendy one."
This stuck with me and gave me a renewed appreciation of my spouse over the years. (Andrew has ended more jobs - to follow my Navy career, and/or be home with our infants - than many people start in a lifetime.)
I'm surprised I haven't written about The Bendy Ones sooner, but perhaps I wasn't yet ready to see the concept this way: We are designed to complement each other. Not only in marriages, but in communities. Everyone is uniquely wired and gifted so that not one person or group has to carry it all. And sometimes we carry what we can so others can make the world better in whatever unique ways they were blessed.
The concept of The Bendy One has no regard for traditional household gender roles, and brings clarity to the word 'partnership'. One of my dearest lifelong friends contributes brilliance to the ob/gyn field that I can't begin to wrap my head around. I also don't pretend to know the intricacies of her marriage, but I'll never forget her husband's choice to be a force of stability for the kids rather than pursuing his own engineering career.
The most tangible and consistent examples to me are military spouses: who follow, set up shop, make friends, provide stability and support, pack it up, put their own careers on the backburner, and do it again. Over and over until they're handed a flag and a bouquet after twenty years... often to find themselves at that point in their most critical supporting role yet: helping an ambitious high performer figure out 'what's next?'
And the artists! I think of my sweet violin teacher who has been teaching out of her home for 50 years and playing for the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra, making the world that much more beautiful and leaving a legacy in so many students.
There isn't much money in that. Her husband spent a career practicing law, giving her the freedom to contribute her gifts to the world without having to worry about the bills.
Not to be overlooked are the Steady Ones.
Call me old school (or something worse), but I think the quality of young adults we produce might hinge on having a Bendy One or a Steady One on the team. For households who manage two intense careers, I've seen grandparents in this role. In community. I think that telework has enabled this bendiness or steadiness for many.
For years I've beat myself up for not being content. My drive, unchecked, can almost be a handicap.
Not long ago I was chatting with one of my sisters about our hopes and dreams. Mine included travel and a yearning for impact that I can never quite satiate. Her dream was to own a compound where grandparents and kids and dogs roamed and coexisted in the sunshine.
It hit me: The world needs people who have dreams like each of ours. Hers bring a level of stability and nurturing that is vital to family and community health. People much smarter than me - but with the need to learn, go, solve and do -- these are the folks that cure cancer.
The world needs all of it.
The thing about the Bendy Ones and the Steady Ones is, they're not going to shout their worth and often won't even put themselves first. But make no mistake: they are leaders and they have a muted strength that goes unnoticed if everything is running smoothly.
Check in on your Bendy One. Thank your Steady One. Everyone is pulling their weight.
